in all honesty, i deserved it. so why didn't i get it then?
i'd been waiting for this promotion for what feels like a long, long time - perhaps longer because in between i had allowed the bitterness to grow. (though for what's it worth, they tell me that a year in government terms is relatively a short period of time to bide.) when they finally told me the news, i didn't know what to feel. i was relieved but not really happy. it was like knowing that the end of a long-fought war was in sight, an often losing war over the song that your thoughts danced to when you give them full rein, and knowing that most of them are not the sunshine and summer flowers kind. i was relieved that my thoughts would be able to rest, grateful for the thorn plucked out of my side, excited for the sun and its warmth to grow flowers again instead of the choking weeds i'd nurtured for months.
but i wasn't happy in the exultant sense, as you would expect following a raise in rank and pay, and this is why: i had a change of heart.
and looking back it was exactly what i needed - to wait. at first, waiting frustrated me, everything about work became the crux of unfairness and inequity in the world. but then it also broke me and humbled me. i began to see that talent and hard work alone were not guarantees for worldly applause but rather ingredients to hone and polish for their own sake and my own character, to combine with discipline and a passion for excellence to actually mean something more real and lasting than grades on paper. waiting became the balm that soothed the sore feelings of my ego's ruffled feathers - and i began to plow the fields of my heart again to plant the seeds that would sustain me, in anticipation of a harvest of life and contentment, whatever else would happen.
in essence, my heart had to change before i could accept this new post. not as my due, but as a gift to be thankful for. a blessing to bless others with.: )
No comments:
Post a Comment