i was in the middle of a very long pre-employment medical examination when the nurse called out a once familiar name and my head whipped up to see a once familiar face. it was him, the one that got away.
he had been my classmate in the only college film class i had to take. cute, opinionated, well-liked, funny, smart, eloquent - he fit the bill for an instant crush.
for some reason, to my chagrin but secret pleasure, we almost always sat next to each other. but as with all my crushes, i hid away and admired from a distance, scared to make small talk or even eye contact. i willed detachment to save myself from the embarrassment that usually followed my klutzy wake.
he was persistent though, in his attention, and i had no idea why. he was always nice even when all he could ever get from me were mumbles, and somehow he'd find ways to interact with kind teasing. we never talked for longer than ten words, but he made me feel seen. and for that i was grateful.
i'd never seen him again after that class. for a while, i stalked him on friendster (oh the refuge of the shy). but after that, as with all things, the interest dwindled, and faded away. i moved on to other crushes, honed my stalking skills through other social networks, but i held on to the memory of that time and my curious dance with him because it was a beautiful story to keep and look back on every now and then. (and wonder... )
seeing him again all these years later was a jolt. hearing him answer the nurse coolly and authoritatively was a throwback to when he used to win over our professor with a well-articulated point. then i studied his profile more: his tank top, summer shorts, flip flops, and the front of his hair pointed so high up like a ridiculous challenge to the heavens.
i couldn't help it, my gay-dar went buzzing. i was actually afraid it would compromise my next step in the exam - i was going to have my BP and heart rate taken - because my heart was thumping in a wild, weird beat of incredulity.
he was the same but he was not.
and that's why he got away.
he had been my classmate in the only college film class i had to take. cute, opinionated, well-liked, funny, smart, eloquent - he fit the bill for an instant crush.
for some reason, to my chagrin but secret pleasure, we almost always sat next to each other. but as with all my crushes, i hid away and admired from a distance, scared to make small talk or even eye contact. i willed detachment to save myself from the embarrassment that usually followed my klutzy wake.
he was persistent though, in his attention, and i had no idea why. he was always nice even when all he could ever get from me were mumbles, and somehow he'd find ways to interact with kind teasing. we never talked for longer than ten words, but he made me feel seen. and for that i was grateful.
i'd never seen him again after that class. for a while, i stalked him on friendster (oh the refuge of the shy). but after that, as with all things, the interest dwindled, and faded away. i moved on to other crushes, honed my stalking skills through other social networks, but i held on to the memory of that time and my curious dance with him because it was a beautiful story to keep and look back on every now and then. (and wonder... )
seeing him again all these years later was a jolt. hearing him answer the nurse coolly and authoritatively was a throwback to when he used to win over our professor with a well-articulated point. then i studied his profile more: his tank top, summer shorts, flip flops, and the front of his hair pointed so high up like a ridiculous challenge to the heavens.
i couldn't help it, my gay-dar went buzzing. i was actually afraid it would compromise my next step in the exam - i was going to have my BP and heart rate taken - because my heart was thumping in a wild, weird beat of incredulity.
he was the same but he was not.
and that's why he got away.
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